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i hate computers pass
- Thread starter mel
- Start date
Allofus123
Here ducky, ducky, ducky!
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2001
- Messages
- 3,869
You're not kidding....this pass zoooomed around the country pretty darn quick. What you say we send it around again? BWAAAHAHAHA 
:sign:
Horse - I called your wife and told her the "BIG PACKAGE" was delivered by mistake and it needs to be sent back to Houston.....
HaHa......and stop drooling....... Mels not gonna want them humified that much..... 
:sign: Horse - I called your wife and told her the "BIG PACKAGE" was delivered by mistake and it needs to be sent back to Houston.....
HaHa......and stop drooling....... Mels not gonna want them humified that much..... 
Horse
Member 200
- Joined
- Aug 1, 2001
- Messages
- 2,981
Pass is on its way home to mel
Takes:
Grand Dragon
Avo Tubo
Partagas (Isom)
Puts:
PAN Diplomatico
Mayorga Robusto Maduro Box Pressed
Punch Rothschild Maduro Maduro
Non Decript 7X50 Honduran Torp
Rafael Gonzalez - small petite - (Isom)
ERDM - small petite - (ISOM)
Delivery Confirmation™ Number:
0300 1290 0003 1814 2602 *scanner didn't like the online version
Ins: VA 640 608 802 US
Thanks mel for my first pass!
Takes:
Grand Dragon
Avo Tubo
Partagas (Isom)
Puts:
PAN Diplomatico
Mayorga Robusto Maduro Box Pressed
Punch Rothschild Maduro Maduro
Non Decript 7X50 Honduran Torp
Rafael Gonzalez - small petite - (Isom)
ERDM - small petite - (ISOM)
Delivery Confirmation™ Number:
0300 1290 0003 1814 2602 *scanner didn't like the online version
Ins: VA 640 608 802 US
Thanks mel for my first pass!
hbooker
Cigar DJ
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2001
- Messages
- 978
Cigar Insurance
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a box of 24 rare and very expensive cigars, insured them against... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued, and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that the man held a policy from the company in which it was warranted that the cigars were insurable. The company, in the policy, had also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and so, the company was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost in "the fires."
However, shortly after the man cashed his check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year prison terms.
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a box of 24 rare and very expensive cigars, insured them against... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued, and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that the man held a policy from the company in which it was warranted that the cigars were insurable. The company, in the policy, had also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and so, the company was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost in "the fires."
However, shortly after the man cashed his check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year prison terms.
hbooker
Cigar DJ
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2001
- Messages
- 978
This one is BAD!
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.
"But I did send them," said the defendant.
"What?? You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
This guy was on a train when he suddenly needed to ****.
He asked the conductor where the toilets were and was informed that they were all out of order.
Being so desperate he had an idea to paint a face on his arse and stick it out the window.
Halfway through doing the buissness the train stopped at a station.
Two skinheads were standing on the platform and one said to the other "You punch him in the head and I will rob his cigar."
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.
"But I did send them," said the defendant.
"What?? You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
This guy was on a train when he suddenly needed to ****.
He asked the conductor where the toilets were and was informed that they were all out of order.
Being so desperate he had an idea to paint a face on his arse and stick it out the window.
Halfway through doing the buissness the train stopped at a station.
Two skinheads were standing on the platform and one said to the other "You punch him in the head and I will rob his cigar."
- Joined
- Jul 11, 2001
- Messages
- 743
"Close, but NO cigar."
After all the fuss was over, Monica Lewinsky met a nice man and got married. On the first night of the honeymoon, the newlyweds consummated their union. Afterward, her husband turned to her with a smile. "Well, Monica, was that the best experience of your life?" She thought a moment, then turned and with a wistful look answered, "Close, but no cigar."
Sam J.
After all the fuss was over, Monica Lewinsky met a nice man and got married. On the first night of the honeymoon, the newlyweds consummated their union. Afterward, her husband turned to her with a smile. "Well, Monica, was that the best experience of your life?" She thought a moment, then turned and with a wistful look answered, "Close, but no cigar."
Sam J.
- Joined
- Jul 11, 2001
- Messages
- 743
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that about my sister and I'll smash your face in!"
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that about my sister and I'll smash your face in!"
Allofus123
Here ducky, ducky, ducky!
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2001
- Messages
- 3,869
Hard not to follow up with more Monica....
Actually, I bought two cigars today, or as Monica Lewinsky calls that, a menage a trois.
The latest rumor going around Washington is that Monica Lewinsky allegedly had an inappropriate relationship with one of Clinton's cigars. If you think about it, it makes sense. You see, that's why Clinton never inhaled.
Know how the media got hold of this whole story? The tip-off was when a woman on the staff in the White House had a baby and Clinton passed out a cigar with Monica still on it.
Actually, I bought two cigars today, or as Monica Lewinsky calls that, a menage a trois.
The latest rumor going around Washington is that Monica Lewinsky allegedly had an inappropriate relationship with one of Clinton's cigars. If you think about it, it makes sense. You see, that's why Clinton never inhaled.
Know how the media got hold of this whole story? The tip-off was when a woman on the staff in the White House had a baby and Clinton passed out a cigar with Monica still on it.
Allofus123
Here ducky, ducky, ducky!
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2001
- Messages
- 3,869
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the door. It's opened by a ten year old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whisky in the other and a hard core porn magazine under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello sonny. Is your mom or dad in?"
Boy: What the f$£! do you think?
Salesman: "Hello sonny. Is your mom or dad in?"
Boy: What the f$£! do you think?
Allofus123
Here ducky, ducky, ducky!
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2001
- Messages
- 3,869
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie," he asked?
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks - not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?"
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie," he asked?
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks - not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?"
Allofus123
Here ducky, ducky, ducky!
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2001
- Messages
- 3,869
OK, last one .....
One day, Hilary Clinton is being chauffeured around the country roads of NY when her driver swerves to avoid a pot hole and hits a female dog on the side of the road, killing it instantly.
When they arrive at their desination, Hilary suggests to the driver that he should go back to the farm house and apologise for the accident and offer to pay for the damages.
Three hours later, the driver returns, with all his clothes torn, holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cuban cigar in
the other, and swaying left to right as he walked. Hilary asks the driver "What happened"? "Well, the farmer gave me this bottle, his wife gave me this cigar, and his beautiful 19 year old daughter made passionate love to me!"
"Huh? - what did you tell them?"
"I said, Hi, I'm Hilary Clinton's driver and I'm the one that killed the bit*h!"
One day, Hilary Clinton is being chauffeured around the country roads of NY when her driver swerves to avoid a pot hole and hits a female dog on the side of the road, killing it instantly.
When they arrive at their desination, Hilary suggests to the driver that he should go back to the farm house and apologise for the accident and offer to pay for the damages.
Three hours later, the driver returns, with all his clothes torn, holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cuban cigar in
the other, and swaying left to right as he walked. Hilary asks the driver "What happened"? "Well, the farmer gave me this bottle, his wife gave me this cigar, and his beautiful 19 year old daughter made passionate love to me!"
"Huh? - what did you tell them?"
"I said, Hi, I'm Hilary Clinton's driver and I'm the one that killed the bit*h!"
