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CONTEST for the funny guys!

A man and his wife are at a fancy resturant for dinner one night when he drops his spoon on the floor. Immediately a waiter runs up and hands him a new spoon and quickly retrieves the one off the floor and tosses it in a bus tray. Impressed the guy asks how he was so quick with the spoon. The waiter replies that a few weeks earlier there was an efficiency expert that came to the resturant to train them. He said that the most often dropped utensil is the spoon so all waiters carry an extra spoon in their apron. Impressed the guy returns to his dinner.

Later that evening the guy excuses himself to go to the restroom. While in the restroom that same waiter comes in and steps up to the urinal. The man notices that there is astring sticking our of the guys fly and asks about it. The waiter says . . . "Oh that. That is the efficiency expert again. To save time in the restroom we now tie a string to our penis and then when we have to go we pull it out with the string and do not have to touch it. That way we do not have to wash our hands."

The guy thinks about this for a second and then asks. "Well how do you get it back in?"

The waiter replies, "Well I don't know about the other waiters but I use my spoon."
 
Ok,
Where do snowmen keep their money?

In snow banks.



What do you call a cat that sucks on lemons?
A sour puss!
:D
 
Another Blonde Joke:

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a convertible
sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blonde for
her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches through her
purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"

The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your
picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls
out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees herself.

She hands the compact to the blonde cop. After a few seconds looking at
the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to
the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you would have told me you
were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have
avoided this whole thing."

:laugh:
 
What do you call a dog with steel balls and no hind legs??? ???







SPARKY!! :laugh:
 
Perhaps your son likes knock-knock jokes. Here's one that as a 35 year old man, I still think is funny. I guess some guys just never can get over the bathroom (poo) jokes. ;)

Okay, here it is...


You say: Knock-Knock

Your son says: Who's there?

You say: I'm a pile up

Your son says: I'm a pile up who? Which sounds like "I'm a pile a' poo"

(it goes over better when you actually tell it to a child than reading it)

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :sign:
 
Okay, I'm not done here... let me throw another PG joke out there:

If your son doesn't appreciate "poo" jokes, how about cow jokes?

*What do cows listen to?
Moooo-sic

* How does the farmer count his cows?
With a cow-culator

* What do you call a cow that's lying on the ground?
Ground beef

* Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn't work

That's all the cow jokes I've got in me. :laugh:
 
mommy! mommy! i don't want to go to europe! shut up and keep swimming! :laugh:

Can Tommy come out to play baseball? You know he's a paraplegic. We know, but he's first base! :laugh: :cool: SORRY!
 
How do you make a Kleenex dance?

Put a little boogie in it!
 
What do you call a man who drives a $250,000 car with license plates he made himself -- Mike Tyson :laugh:

And a less PG one

Why is the music industry upset with Pamela Anderson -- the woman has screwed more musicians than Napster :laugh:
 
Why does the bride always wear a white dress?

So the dishwasher matches the refrigerator!
 
WOW you look beat! Yeah, ijust flew in from europe and my arms are tired! (rimshot) :D :cool:

What has four tires and flies? A garbage truck! :laugh: SOMEBODY STOP :laugh: ME! :cool:
 
A string goes into a bar and orders a drink. the bartender take one look at him and says that the bar does'nt serve strings. the string goes outside, puts a knot in his middle and messes up both of his ends, and reenters the bar. The bartender sees the string and says, WE DON'T SERVE STRINGS, at which the string says, I'M AFRAID KNOT! :p :cool:
 
Okay, here's one last PG joke I've got to throw in the ring...

This lady goes to the doctor for a check up.
When she gets home her husband asks, "So how did the appointment go?"
She replies, "He said, I have the body of a twenty year old.
Her husband says, "Oh yeah, and what did he have to say about your forty year old ass?"
She says, "Your name didn't come up."


*or you can substitute butt for ass to make it more PG for your son ;)
 
A three legged dog comes into town and the sheriff comes out to meet him and says"we don't want your kind i this town! Now what's your business?" the dog replies " i'm looking for the man that shot my paw." ( rimshot!) :D :cool:
 
Here you go!
Why do elephants wear sunglasses?
So no one will recognize them.

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldoser.

Q: When is a baseball player like a thief?
A: When he steals a base.
:D
 
When I was a young lad growing up in the north woods of Minnesota my grandfather taught me how to catch a bear.
This is what he told me:

First dig a big hole deep enough so once in the hole the bear can not climb out.
Next you fill the bottom of the hole with ashes.
Then take some peas (fresh frozen or canned) and line the entire perimeter of the hole with them.
When the bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole! :laugh:
 
A duck walks into a super market, finds the manager and asks him:
"Do you have any duck food?"
The manager, somewhat busy, tells the duck "no, sorry, no duck food".

The next day the duck comes back, finds the manager, who's very busy that day, and asks him:
"Do you have any duck food?"
The manager tells him: "No, we don't carry duck food."

The next day the duck come back, finds the manager, who's not only busy but also very annoyed, and asks him:
"Do you have any duck food?"
Sick and tired of the question, the manager tells him: "No! We do NOT have duck food! And if you come back here and ask me that one more time I'm going to nail your stupid web feet to the floor and slap you silly!"

The next day the duck comes back, finds the manager, and asks:
"Do you have any hammers?"
Caught off guard, the managers replies: "No, no we don't have any hammers."

"Then do you have any duck food?"
 
Ok judging is underway! While the boy has been reading jokes as they were posted, he is about to make a decision on the best joke to determine the winner. This should take around 15-20 minutes, or less. Stand by!
 
Well, these are some of the best jokes I’ve seen, both dirty and not so dirty. BUT, I am not the one doing the judging…the boy is. Therefore, after going through each and every joke (and I purging them for cleanliness), Zack (the boy) has picked a winner…and that is JAEwing!
Congratulations! The direct blatant reference to “penis” in that joke was what sent it over the edge. The boy laughed the longest and hardest (no pun intended) at that joke. There were a few others that mentioned or referenced peni, but JAEwing was the best. Zack thanks everyone that participated for some great jokes he can bring to school and share with his classmates to get him suspended! Thanks botls!

Jason, I’ll be sending the smokes out tomorrow to your addy in your profile…if different, PM me.

PS…couldn’t you come up with any clean lawyer jokes? :laugh:
 
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