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An Open Letter...or something (this is long)

MX

MX

Quietly getting back into the cigar culture.....
Joined
Jun 5, 2007
Messages
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Location
Monument, Colorado
So, I have been sitting on this for a few days, actually close to a week.

Somehow some way back in 2007 I stumbled across this the community. I was a brand-new cigar smoker, and I was fortunate enough to get some great advice and some great cigars shipped to me while on my first tour to Iraq. The knowledge I learned has been invaluable and served me well. For the next 7 years I tried to be a good member of this family, I made some good friends, both on the forum and in real life. I have smoked with some of the finest humans I have ever met because of Cigar Pass.

At some point in 2014, my life imploded. I stopped being a good husband, a good father, friend and person. The hell that followed was of my own design. Yet, for waht ever reason, my family and mt friends did not give up on me, and I put in the work their faith in me deserved. I am stronger now than ever; my family is stronger than ever. That season taught not only me, but my wife that together we can survive anything the world sends our way. We are stronger together-we are an unstoppable force.

The thing is, my guilt over my actions held me hostage, I felt that I did not deserve the thigs I enjoyed, and while I did them occasionally, it was never the same. Let me stop and say if anyone reads this, and they feel that way STOP, it simply is not true. So, over the course of years, I smoked a cigar here or there, I brewed my beer, and dabbled at the things outside my family that brought me joy and satisfaction.

Right up to April 18th.

About 10:30pm I got a call from my Sister-in-law that my baby brother had killed himself while riding his Harley. I was not, am not equipped to deal with this/that whatever the word is. I am processing it, I am doing the work, but it fucking sucks. The big picture is this, in less than 5 years I lost my Mom and Dad (3 months apart) and my baby brother, who was my Guy!

Sitting in Texas, trying to acknowledge what happened, not accept, but at least believe the idea that it was truth, I remembered Brian, the FOGs can explain that to the new guys....A man despite everything he knew, or maybe a bit because of what he knew, had the right idea. "Smoke them, if you got them"

Now more than ever, I sit and struggle to share this, I know the truth of the sentiment that we are not guaranteed tomorrow, celebrate today because even today is special. Tell them you love them, take the stupid selfie, call every now and then, don't just text. Do everything in your power to make this day the best day, not just for you, but for all those your care for and even those you don't

Tim
 
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Damn, I wish I had the perfect comment for you. I have a similar situation with my parents, but the little brother thing is another level. Love and hugs to you and your family. I hope you can find some peace in the best memories of your brother.
Personally, I've found a community of brothers here on CP that I'm able to share my highs and lows with. The guys on the Wednesday and Saturday vherf are family to me as well as many of the others on here. You are aways welcome to join us.
 
What's done is done and in the past -- you cannot change the past, only learn from it to be better going forward. Live for yourself, for your family, and for those who cannot. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother, but glad to hear you are in a good place, all things considered. It's wonderful to have you back on the forum, Tim. I hope you can join in on Saturdays or Wednesdays on the v-herf.
 
kann said:
What's done is done and in the past -- you cannot change the past, only learn from it to be better going forward. Live for yourself, for your family, and for those who cannot. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother, but glad to hear you are in a good place, all things considered. It's wonderful to have you back on the forum, Tim. I hope you can join in on Saturdays or Wednesdays on the v-herf.
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It took me a long time to realize that it serves no one for me to continue to punish myself. There is no good outcome when you continue to fall on your own sword after you have been forgiven by those you hurt....so from that chapter I am truly moving on/past. The new loss, well that is still very raw, but I am so much better equipped now than I have ever been, and I am supported very well by those that care for me

Joining in on the Herf is on the top of my list of things to do. Weds might be tough, and for the next 2 Saturdays I am either working on the remodel of my 5th wheel, of at sea on a cruise, but they should free up after that
 
Tim - I don't know what it's like to lose a parent or a sibling, so I don't feel qualified to give support on that. I will say that I'm sorry you went through it with your parents and that you're still learning how to, with your brothers death. I can't imagine how hard it is, but I will be thinking about you and praying that although it may not get easier, it might get manageable as the days/weeks/years go by.

To all the other shit and I say shit because I deal with that as well, it's hard. I think men struggle with not being able to handle it all. We put up this front that we're ok, because growing up that's how we were raised (we're both close to the same age). We weren't taught how to ask for help. We managed through it all, by saying "I'm good" or "I'm ok", when in reality that's far from the truth.

It's hard being a husband. Marriage is hard and it takes A LOT of work, to make it work. Add being a father on top of that and it multiplies everything by 10, because there's no handbook for how to juggle a wife and kids.

Add in work, because we're supposed to be the bread winners, the one that worries about being able to support everyone at home. We struggle with being good enough, not slacking, being a top peformer and it takes a toll.

Throw in family and friends, having their backs when they need help. Talking them off the ledge. Helping them out any and every way we can.

Lastly, it's back to us. Not much left in the tank, when you sit down and truly think about it. I'm learning that I need to somehow put myself a little closer to the top of this upside pyramid. After all, I'll be 50 in October and it needs to happen at some point. I'm not talking about a mid-life crisis, but maybe an hour or two out of the week, to do what makes me happy. Maybe a daily thing, haven't figured it out yet.

Right there with you buddy.
 
Thanks for all the comments!

@bfreebern - I 100% understand where you are, I am 52 in September, we are right here together. I think making "time" where you are the priority is much different than making "you" the priority. I think the events recently have showed me that I need find enjoyment is things, otherwise what the hell are we doing this for!

As for the other, I am not putting this on anyone, but growing up I was taught there are 2 doors to walk through when it comes to emotions the Angry door or the Avoidance door....going through the hard times, when I was less than I should have been, that work, showed me I can find new doors to walk through and get resolution. And I, and my wife and I (because those are different) came to resolution, and are happy. While that took a lot of time and work, we got there. My issues were even though I had resolved it, I had not forgiven myself for it...and while I am way beyond where I was, I cannot say that have 100% got all the way there, but I am in the high 90%
 
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bfreebern said:
Tim - I don't know what it's like to lose a parent or a sibling, so I don't feel qualified to give support on that. I will say that I'm sorry you went through it with your parents and that you're still learning how to, with your brothers death. I can't imagine how hard it is, but I will be thinking about you and praying that although it may not get easier, it might get manageable as the days/weeks/years go by.

To all the other shit and I say shit because I deal with that as well, it's hard. I think men struggle with not being able to handle it all. We put up this front that we're ok, because growing up that's how we were raised (we're both close to the same age). We weren't taught how to ask for help. We managed through it all, by saying "I'm good" or "I'm ok", when in reality that's far from the truth.

It's hard being a husband. Marriage is hard and it takes A LOT of work, to make it work. Add being a father on top of that and it multiplies everything by 10, because there's no handbook for how to juggle a wife and kids.

Add in work, because we're supposed to be the bread winners, the one that worries about being able to support everyone at home. We struggle with being good enough, not slacking, being a top peformer and it takes a toll.

Throw in family and friends, having their backs when they need help. Talking them off the ledge. Helping them out any and every way we can.

Lastly, it's back to us. Not much left in the tank, when you sit down and truly think about it. I'm learning that I need to somehow put myself a little closer to the top of this upside pyramid. After all, I'll be 50 in October and it needs to happen at some point. I'm not talking about a mid-life crisis, but maybe an hour or two out of the week, to do what makes me happy. Maybe a daily thing, haven't figured it out yet.

Right there with you buddy.
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Well said! I’m right there with y’all.

I’m 49 and recently unemployed and it’s taking its toll at the moment. I keep telling my wife and kids I’m ok, but they can tell I’m a bit stressed no doubt.

@MX my condolences.

Making time for something you enjoy is definitely important.
 
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I’m really sorry for your loss, that’s a bitter pill that I haven’t had to swallow yet. I’m almost 60 and still have both my parents, so I know it’s coming.

I’m really impressed with you being able to turn things in the right direction and start to enjoy life again. I went to rehab almost 5 years ago, and although I remain sober and happier than I’ve ever been, the guilt of a lifetime of bad decisions and hurting the ones I love still creeps in. It gets better and easier though.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey!
 
@bfreebern summed it all up very eloquently. I think that's the first time he has ever done that!!!

I'm very sorry to read what you have been going through, but I'm glad to see that you (and your family) came out the other side stronger than before.

I didn't know you well before your leave of absence, but I do remember you as a great person. Thank you for sharing the struggles you have been going through, I believe someone threw sand in my eyes as I was reading this because of how close it hit to home.
 
Tim. My condolences. One love brother. I lost my dad at age 12 in ‘92, my maternal grand mother , who was like my second mother and helped raise me around ‘09, my maternal grandfather, again who was like my second father and helped raise me around ‘15, and a very caring, nurturing, loving and supportive mother in law in ‘19. Death is never easy. Love hard, grieve as you feel you need to and as long as you need to. The emptiness/sadness never really goes away. I can share, however, that in my experience, sharing what they loved, sharing stories and their legacy helps their eternal flames live on through others. May the creator bless you and your loved ones during this time.

C
 
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Thank you for sharing Tim! I don't need to add much more since I feel as though Brandon did a great job. I will say though that sharing like this not only helps you, but it helps those that read it and are maybe going through something similar. Reflection is learning. Hope you continue to improve on that 90%!
 
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