moki
el Presidente
The Roomba story I posted caused me to remember that I never posted this one here. It's an... interesting read. 
.....
A fairly horrible story
Polly and I were down in Key West this past weekend for a friend of mine's wedding. We woke up at 4:30am Friday morning to catch our flight from hell: 2 plane changes and 9.5 hours travel time to get to Key West.
We arrived predictably exhausted, but on time to witness a cozy & casual wedding ceremony on the beach. Then it was off to one of Key West's many open air bar style eateries for dinner.
Polly and I checked out early that night, because we were zonked, but the others partied on late into the night. Perhaps a little too much.
Because the next day everyone was going out on a family friend's boat for some snorkeling and such. One particular member of the wedding party, who was notable for looking like she'd just swallowed a baby elephant, was particularly hung over that day. We'll call her "Jen".
So we're motoring out onto the clear blue-green waters framed by azure skies, and I notice that "Jen" is starting to match the blue-green color of the water. She's not happy. She's gonna blow.
Somehow she managed to hold it in until we reach the mooring line, but then she starts projectile vomiting over the side. Almost instantly, a school of fairly large Yellow Tails appear and start feasting on her bile like they're at a Chinese all you can eat buffet.
This unique interaction of her puking and the fish chowing down on it went on for a good hour or so. It was almost like a mother hippopotamus feeding her young on some low-budget nature program.
And then it got ugly.
Apparently whatever horrible substance she had in her body just wanted to get out, and it didn't care what orifice it was going to use as an exit. Her brown eye was buckling like a volcano ready to erupt.
We wanted to stay the hell out of the way of Mount Vesuvius, so we tossed her into the water on a buoy line to "do her business". She drifted out a bit, let go of the buoy line as we did our best to pretend none of this was happening, and then took off her bottoms and damned the torpedos!
I have to admit it, I looked. I saw the water darken like a squid had just pumped out its ink, then I saw a little brown floater pop up like a surfacing submarine. Then to my horror, those damn Yellow Tails had followed her and descended on her floating bung log like piranha on hunk of flesh. They were swarming and eating it like it was a yule log at Christmas dinner.
If that wasn't revolting enough, "Jen" turned to see what the Yellow Tails were doing in the murky brown water surrounding her, and vomited on top of the mess (which of course the Yellow Tails happily ate up too). Then because she had let go of the rope, one of her friends had to swim out to pull her out of her floating cloud of excrement and back to the boat.
This "catch and release" cycle happened twice. I'm not sure how I didn't lose it.
The next night at dinner, "Jen" joked that she should order the fish to "bring things full circle."
Yeah. No one ordered the fish.
.....
I probably should have added to the story that the girl who swam out -- not once, but twice -- to tow this free-floating manatee back to the boat was none other than the bride.
Some honeymoon, eh?
None of the rest of us wanted to get anywhere near her.
.....
Someone said:
do you think maybe she just had a loose rectum from all that...you know....backdoor banging?
Thanks but I'd really prefer not to think about it. I wasn't kidding when I said she looked like she'd swallowed a baby elephant.
Just the night before, one couple at the wedding was fighting, and this same "Jen" tried to lighten the mood by saying "You want to see something funny??" and then pulled up her shower curtain-sized sun dress to reveal her buck naked enormity.
I'm told it looked like a cross between an oversized garden grub and an albino manatee. More crevasses than the Rocky Mountains, but all of them sagging like a melting ice cream cone.
The bride (her friend) said "I think I just puked in my mouth." The groom, who was just coming down the stairs and had missed the show, defended "Jen"s honor by saying "That wasn't very nice"
He was rewarded for this gallantry by receiving a second showing of this macabre Mardi Gras striptease. He curled up into a little ball on the stairs crying for his mommy.
So no, I didn't speculate about her "back door action"... but thanks for the horrendous visual.
.....
A fairly horrible story
Polly and I were down in Key West this past weekend for a friend of mine's wedding. We woke up at 4:30am Friday morning to catch our flight from hell: 2 plane changes and 9.5 hours travel time to get to Key West.
We arrived predictably exhausted, but on time to witness a cozy & casual wedding ceremony on the beach. Then it was off to one of Key West's many open air bar style eateries for dinner.
Polly and I checked out early that night, because we were zonked, but the others partied on late into the night. Perhaps a little too much.
Because the next day everyone was going out on a family friend's boat for some snorkeling and such. One particular member of the wedding party, who was notable for looking like she'd just swallowed a baby elephant, was particularly hung over that day. We'll call her "Jen".
So we're motoring out onto the clear blue-green waters framed by azure skies, and I notice that "Jen" is starting to match the blue-green color of the water. She's not happy. She's gonna blow.
Somehow she managed to hold it in until we reach the mooring line, but then she starts projectile vomiting over the side. Almost instantly, a school of fairly large Yellow Tails appear and start feasting on her bile like they're at a Chinese all you can eat buffet.
This unique interaction of her puking and the fish chowing down on it went on for a good hour or so. It was almost like a mother hippopotamus feeding her young on some low-budget nature program.
And then it got ugly.
Apparently whatever horrible substance she had in her body just wanted to get out, and it didn't care what orifice it was going to use as an exit. Her brown eye was buckling like a volcano ready to erupt.
We wanted to stay the hell out of the way of Mount Vesuvius, so we tossed her into the water on a buoy line to "do her business". She drifted out a bit, let go of the buoy line as we did our best to pretend none of this was happening, and then took off her bottoms and damned the torpedos!
I have to admit it, I looked. I saw the water darken like a squid had just pumped out its ink, then I saw a little brown floater pop up like a surfacing submarine. Then to my horror, those damn Yellow Tails had followed her and descended on her floating bung log like piranha on hunk of flesh. They were swarming and eating it like it was a yule log at Christmas dinner.
If that wasn't revolting enough, "Jen" turned to see what the Yellow Tails were doing in the murky brown water surrounding her, and vomited on top of the mess (which of course the Yellow Tails happily ate up too). Then because she had let go of the rope, one of her friends had to swim out to pull her out of her floating cloud of excrement and back to the boat.
This "catch and release" cycle happened twice. I'm not sure how I didn't lose it.
The next night at dinner, "Jen" joked that she should order the fish to "bring things full circle."
Yeah. No one ordered the fish.
.....
I probably should have added to the story that the girl who swam out -- not once, but twice -- to tow this free-floating manatee back to the boat was none other than the bride.
Some honeymoon, eh?
None of the rest of us wanted to get anywhere near her.
.....
Someone said:
do you think maybe she just had a loose rectum from all that...you know....backdoor banging?
Thanks but I'd really prefer not to think about it. I wasn't kidding when I said she looked like she'd swallowed a baby elephant.
Just the night before, one couple at the wedding was fighting, and this same "Jen" tried to lighten the mood by saying "You want to see something funny??" and then pulled up her shower curtain-sized sun dress to reveal her buck naked enormity.
I'm told it looked like a cross between an oversized garden grub and an albino manatee. More crevasses than the Rocky Mountains, but all of them sagging like a melting ice cream cone.
The bride (her friend) said "I think I just puked in my mouth." The groom, who was just coming down the stairs and had missed the show, defended "Jen"s honor by saying "That wasn't very nice"
He was rewarded for this gallantry by receiving a second showing of this macabre Mardi Gras striptease. He curled up into a little ball on the stairs crying for his mommy.
So no, I didn't speculate about her "back door action"... but thanks for the horrendous visual.
