An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee".
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,...."Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
1. Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
2. Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
17. Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
18. Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court.
Angelina says:
"Your honor, we beena marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he always picka his nose
ana when we maka love he a never letsa me on topa. I justa canna taka dis nomore."
The judge listens solemnly and then addresses Giuseppi. ?"Giuseppi, is disa true. You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top?? What have you gotta say fora yourself?"
Giuseppi says,
"Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be onna da bottom. Itsa all go's aback to when I'mma a younga boy. My poppa, he's a very smarta man.
I always do ev'ryting he'sa say. My poppa one day he says, "Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life:
Number one, you always keepa your nose clean. ana number two, never screw up."
1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now!
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
3. Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess fantasy horror movie?
A: It’s called "Debbie Does Dishes."
5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
6. Q: What’s a Jewish American Princess’s favorite position?
A: Facing Neiman Marcus.
7. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
8. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None! (Sigh) Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.
9. Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat.
10. Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
11. Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying -- details to come in a letter."
12. Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women aren’t attracted to anything that isn’t 20% off.
During class, a teacher was trying to teach good manners. The teacher asks the students: "Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady,How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you Scottie, how would you say it?"
Scotty replied, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
The Teacher replied, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table".
"And you George, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
George replied, "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman sitting by herself :
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they open!"
A policeman was being cross-examined by an egotistical defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "And who, Sargeant, might I ask provided this description?"
A: "Well, of course, the officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir, we share the building with this court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
If I missed insulting anybody LMK and I'll post more
Thanks for the contest bro! Glad I could make your wife laugh!
lol J/K just remember, the yellow thing in the middle of the egg isn't meant to be eaten. :sign: