The Purina Diet
I have a Golden retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart
and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I
was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before
I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been
sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door.
Incredible story about an elephant's memory...
UPI July 3, 2006
A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.
While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.
As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned
and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.
The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in
wonder.
Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Remember They All Vote, Too!
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.
Caution! . . . . . . . . . . . These people Vote
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff". . . . . . . .
She ALSO votes!
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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time? "Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . . . . . . He ALSO votes!
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . . . . . . . She ALSO votes!
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . . .My sister ALSO votes!
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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount . . . . . . .He ALSO votes!
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. . . . . . . . . . My friend ALSO votes!
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet? ". . . . . . . . SHE ALSO votes!
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While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He though about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 . . . . . . . . .Yep, he votes too.
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Now you know who elects the politicians
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or
dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her
breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate
breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his
patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here
in the first place."
THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN
ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY
CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS
THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS
IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO
EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE
WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE
CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE
THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS
BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE
THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND
GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED
HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."
: An Irishwoman.....
>
>
>
>An Irishwoman of advanced age visited her physician to ask His help In
>reviving her Husband's libido.
>"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
>"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
>"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it
>into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a
>week to let me know how things went".
>It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
>to progress.
>The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
>T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!".
>"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?
>"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
>almost immediate! He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye,
>and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent
>the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me
>then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It
>was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
>"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband
>provided wasn't good"?
>"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed!
>'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll
>never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
It Must Be The NBA ?
36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits. and
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess which organization this is?Give up yet? . . . Scroll down, citizen!
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.You gotta pass this one on!
