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1 year anni on St. Patty's Day...time for a contest!

Congrats on your Anniversary. Here is my contribution/submission:

Lou

The top 10 signs you’re being stalked by a leprechaun:

10. Generic-looking green transit van with darkened windows parked across the road with “I brake for imps” bumper sticker.

9. Every time you stop on the street the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have moved a little closer.

8. All your shoes have been expertly repaired overnight.

7. Green lipstick marks on your bedroom window.

6. Card delivered with a bouquet of 4-leaf clovers.

5. You don’t recall owning an anatomically-correct lawn gnome.

4. When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing “Black is the Colour.”

3. Every day this week you’ve noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.

2. Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, “Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?”

And the number one sign that you’re being stalked by a leprechaun:

Them little green pellets in the litter box ain’t M&M’s.
 
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

THANKS
 
'Y'know' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow there's a wonderful little bar called McTavish's.
The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals,
so much that when you buy 4 drinks he'll buy the 5th
drink for you.'


'Well', said the Englishman, 'at my local, the Red Lion,
the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy
the first 2.'

'Ahhhhh, that's nothing lads', said the Irishman.
'Back home in me own Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. -
Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy
you a drink, then another; all the drinks you like.
Then, when you've had enough drinks they'll take you
upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house'.

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the
Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true.

'Well,' said the Englishman 'did this actually happen to you?'

'Not to me meself, personally, no,' said the Irishman ...

'...but it did happen to me sister :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
 
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now.
And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last
four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!!!
 
Congrats on a year Jonesy!

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They each buy a pint of Guiness beer.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!"
 
Infinity said:
Congrats #2 :D

It has been my pleasure knowing you for this past year. Some folks come on here and it takes a long time to know what they are all about. Of course the dicks are found out soon.
I learned about you in a short space of time. You sir are the epitome of what I consider a giving, generous person, one I am proud to call a friend.

#1
Click to expand...
This is probably one of the most humbling posts I've ever read about me. The reasons you gave are a direct result from what I've learned from you. You're as straight a shooter as there is on this board, no bs, no sh!t talking, and THE most generous person I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. You set an example for all of us Brian......I also am honored and proud to call you my friend.

#2
 
Infinity said:
Congrats #2 :D

It has been my pleasure knowing you for this past year. Some folks come on here and it takes a long time to know what they are all about. Of course the dicks are found out soon.
I learned about you in a short space of time. You sir are the epitome of what I consider a giving, generous person, one I am proud to call a friend.

#1
Click to expand...

I'll second that. You made me feel welcome with a simple act that meant a lot. One way to measure how successful someone is, is by how many lives they've touched. From what I've learned in my short time here, you are very successful person.
 
sonuvabum said:
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now.
And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last
four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!!!
Click to expand...
There were plenty of good jokes in here, but this was the one I laughed the hardest about. Gary, the prize will be headed out tomorrow!
 
What would a Jonesy Contest be without a Putz Mulligan entry?! :sign:

Thank for the contest and more importantly, thanks for your contributions to CP Brian.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."



Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. ; I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."



Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"







Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"




An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"




Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees. "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."




Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?" "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
 
Charlie...............You took so long to make that lengthy post that the contest is now over. :laugh:

Edit to add: Too bad, the last one had tears running down my eyeballs.
 
Thanks for my first CP contest!

This is one of my favorites (from the hilarious movie Shoot 'Em Up):
There was a young girl who begat
Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding,
When she found there was no tit for Tat.

And an oldie but a goodie:

There once was a barmaid from Wales
On her chest tattooed prices of ales
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in braille
 
Arrrrrgggggg!!! I missed it by three minutes!!!

No worries though as I have been the recipient of many of Brian's gifts.............nice for someone else to win for a change!
 
jfields said:
Charlie...............You took so long to make that lengthy post that the contest is now over. :laugh:

Edit to add: Too bad, the last one had tears running down my eyeballs.
Click to expand...


That just doesn't make sense ???
 
Putz Mulligan said:
Arrrrrgggggg!!! I missed it by three minutes!!!

No worries though as I have been the recipient of many of Brian's gifts.............nice for someone else to win for a change!
Click to expand...

Yeah, thanks for giving others a chance.

j/k

;)

Thanks too to Brian for not only being a post whore, a pass whore, a Padron whore, but also for being one helluva contest whore (or would that be contest pimp). :D Whichever. In any case, thanks for the nod Brian. Always fun to be part of your shenanigans.

Sláinte!!
 
Great contest. Congrats to Gary - great joke! AND of course Congratulations to you Brian, we are very fortunate to have you as a BOTL.

FYI - you were the first (after mmburtch invited me) to say hello - not to mention the Cherry Bomb! :laugh: :cool:
 
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