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Would it be bad karma...

punk_lawyer

punk_lawyer

Habeas Punkus
Joined
May 6, 2008
Messages
2,060
We moved to our current house a little over three years ago. When we moved, my wife brought her three f#@&ing cats with us. (My vote was to leave the three f#@&ing cats as a house warming present for the folks that bought our old house but, alas, my vote carries only 1/1,000,000th of the household weight that my wife's vote carries). So, after we moved, the youngest of the three f#@&ing cats, a female, decided that her perfect manner of expressing love for me was through repeatedly soaking me with urine. Yes, that's right, this f#@&ing cat decided that urinating on me was her way of honoring the alpha male of the house. (The veterinarian said...her urinating on me was akin to her saying that she felt safe and protected by me). Three straight nights of being soaked in f#@&ing cat urine and that f#@&ing cat was banished to the outdoors. (Yeah, banished in that she has a heated f#@&ing cat house of her own on my deck...like some kind of f#@&ing cat doll house).

Fast forward to yesterday. This f#@&ing cat had been living quite happily outside for three years and my wife, exercising her 1,000,000 to 1 voting power, decided to bring the f#@&ing cat back inside. I walked the house in fear yesterday. I went to bed in fear. I tried to figure out a way to cocoon myself in a urine proof tarp while sleeping but couldn't make it work. So, in the middle of the night, AS SURE AS I KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN :angry: , that f#@&ing cat drenched me in urine again while I was sleeping. For those of you who have never been awakened by the sensation of being soaked in hot, fragrant f#@&ing cat urine, let me just say that the experience lacks the humor factor that other gross experiences have. (Farting in elevators, a shart, etc. All of those have comedic effect that f#@&ing cat urine lacks).

So, my question is this: being that this is Christmas Eve (Merry Christmas, by the way), would it be bad form for me to stomp the life out of this f#@&ing cat in front of my wife and kids? I mean, laws of the State of Ohio regarding animal torture aside, I think I am justified at this point. How much f#@&ing cat urine does a man have to take before he can seek revenge? Would karma prefer re-banishment to the outdoors over 'braining' the f#@&ing cat with a baseball bat?

I really need help here and I need help soon. My wife is out running errands and I could make the f#@&ing cat 'disappear'. Please let me know your thoughts.
 
This has to be one of the funniest reads I've seen in a looooong time!!

Good luck!!

I knew there was a reason I have dogs!
 
Funny as hell Stu! Only because it did not happen to me though. :laugh:

If it were me, I'd use my "I know I'm only dad, and my opinion doesn't normally mean shit around here, but DON'T CROSS THIS LINE AGAIN" rights. I think we get like one or two of these don't we. ???

I don't do it often, but when I do my wife knows I mean it, and that it takes me a lot to get to that point.

If that doesn't work............
Then don't kill the cat on Christmas Eve. Nor do you want to take it to the next county and drop it off somewhere. You don't want your children worried about what happened to the cat on Christmas, crying their eyes out. Kids tend to do that even if they paid the animal no mind in the first place.
You'll be the enemy if that happens.

Rather wait until a few days later to make the cat "dissapear".
 
You'd better be careful there Stu.

grin406l.jpg
 
Googled it and one recommendation was that with 3 cats you need 4 litter boxes and they must be cleaned often. The author also suggested trying open and covered types and separation to break any territorial issues.

A List of Remedies

Then you could just try returning the favor. :laugh:
 
Funny story... and I feel for you. I've never been soaked with cat urine, but I have been sprayed by our fixed male cat once or twice. The spray is pretty f-ing awful!

[begin sarcasm] Define torture.... if the offending feline is offed quickly, would that be considered torture?? [end sarcasm]
 
I distinctly remember you asking for a little pussy to love you and now you're complaining?

Try closing your door tonight.
 
If you don't kill it, I would go with the "returning the favor" option. Eat a bushel of asparagus, tie it down, and see how it likes it.
 
Stu. I think that you should have your wife wear some of your pajamas with your scent on them. Sleep in another room, with the door closed, and see if the f@#$%ng cat urinates on her?

Or, get some of that training spray that you use to have the cat urinate in a specific location, put it on her pajamas, and see what happens. You have to use your brains, not your brawn, in this situation.
 
Take MoeCizlak's suggestion one step further and kick it's A$$ outside during a blizzard after its golden shower. I hate cat shenanigans.

-Montagieu
 
Thanks for the laugh. As for stomping the cat, consider it your Christmas gift to yourself.
 
I can't believe your wife would like having the cat indoors knowing it's propensitiy for urinating . Cat pee can be a scent marker in a house for a long long time and it's quite obvious when you walk in the door. Perhaps talking to her about the scent of cat piss that every person will smell when they walk into your house will help your cause.

Me being a cat person, I can't condone killing it, but dropping it off at a shelter, mmm, maybe.
 
Put the cat in a box, attach a nice bow to the box, and drop the box off at a co-worker's front porch. It is the season for giving.
 
First, I would do like Moe said and piss on it after I ate a lot of asparagus, I've been known to bite the dogs ears if they bite me just to show them how much it hurts. works. If not, a right cross to the chin works wonders in the whole scheme of "okay, I feel better now, guess I can wait a little longer to be patient with him".

I'd either get a dog to ward off the cat by letting the dog sleep with me or just take the cat to the humane society.
 
Stu, I consider you a friend, and as a way to show you just how comfortable I am around you, I will be happy to piss on you the next time I see you.
 
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