Beneath the deepest sea of human screams and fear,
A poison-toothed demon doth steathily draw near,
It feeds upon our souls, our flesh, but feasts upon our hate
Its rising tide of torment CLOSE, man's hour draws quite late.
Whence its foul head at last presents upon our shore,
Man's rules and laws shall fall at once, crumble to their core.
The beast from hell, claws tipped with fear
Gaping mouth and fire eyes,
Talk of good, of hope, of love,
Revealed, as if, for lies.
As uplifiting and encouraging as the above stanzas are....they can not hold a flame (nor should ANYONE hold a flame) to the Vanilla flavored "cigars" that rsaavedra was kind enough to send samples of my way.
Pictures exist, but it's really not worth wasting the bandwidth.
I stopped at Carmen's Fine Wines to find a nice bottle for my evening...but they didn't seem to have what I was looking for. I stopped at my Scotch guy's place to see if any special bottle fit the occasion...they did not. So, I went a little out of my way to stop at Ron's Packaged Good's (yes, the apostrophe is incorrect on the sign, too) to pick up the correct libation to match the experience I imagined I was about to have.
A 22oz of Old English in hand, I head home. (Single malt, malt liquor...can't be TOO different, right?)
Open up my bottle...let it breathe a minute...I got a glass out of the cabinet...then rememebred, OE has never, nor should ever, be drank out of a nice glass. Poured a little out for the fallen bretheren, dogs sniffed at it....should have been a clue when the dog won't even lick it up. Wow. This stuff got worse since I was young and thought it was OK to drink it. Oh, dear sweet sizzling Shiva, Jehova, Lord, Buddha, Madonna or....whoever...at this point, I'd sign up for the Cuthulu fan club to save my taste buds....then I remembered...this is but the accompaniment.
The cigar...
The unfortunate appearance. Well, no triple cap, terribly uneven band that looked like it had been sliced by a drunk Mohel with an electric carving knife. The cigars were squishy and soft, but supple....it felt a lot like the sample of "memory foam" they sent me before I ordered my Temper-pedic.
The unfortunate smell. Well, like vanilla and cheap pipe tobacco mixed with Eu de cheap $15 hand-job strippers.
The most unfortunate taste. Well, see above. That was most of what I picked up pre-light. Sickly sweet flavored wrapper. Do they dip these things in above mentioned stripper-flavor then roll it in sugar and chemical vanilla? I can still taste it this morning
The draw….mercifully too tight to get too much of this “flavor” into my mouth. The cigar has the consistency of a Twizzler, without the pleasant flavors. Actually, I am going to light a Twizzler when I am done, just to attempt to transition the night into a less state of suckiness.
I have smoked one or two flavored cigars in my time. They were all terrible. But they tasted roughly like what like I imaigned they were supposed to taste like. I think someone TRIED to make these taste as bad as they could. I just need to know....WHO thought that labeleing cigars as COhiba and Vanilla would make them sell? I mean, this one box sold to rsaavedra's friend, but surely no one else could think this was a good idea, right? Usually, cigar smoke keeps the bugs away. This time, they were physically trying to warn me. "Bzzz....hey mister.....what the Fu-K are you smoking.....bzzzz.....come on, put it out, and we'll honor a truce for the evening.....shit, mang, that thing STINKS." I think I might be mildly hallucinating due to whatever foul "additives" might have been in that "cigar."
I smoked about 3/8 or ½ of an inch, and had to stop. It is really terrible.
It died a death more noble than it deserved. It fell on top of the butts of finer cigars in the stinky. A davidoff, an Opus, and a 1990 ERDM Demi-Tasse or two. These days old, stank, rank nasty cigar butts physically seemed to attempt to slide away from the remains of this foul burning stick of flavored memory foam.
So, I have applied my genuine Wilkey-metricfako-detectorator, and it turns out that this is not a genuine vanilla flavored cohiba. Shocked, I'm sure.
So, I go inside, brush my mouth with some snacks, drink some water with lemon....yuck....the flavor is still there. Did everything I could got most of the flavor out of my mouth.......poured three fingers of Dalmore 21 year, and went back outside.
I lit an Opus Petite Lancero, and within a few puffs, a few sips, my attitude was much improved.
I woke up this morning, and all of my joints hurt. I think there literally might have been poision in that thing. My head hurts, but that might be the couple refiills that went along with the Petite Lancero.
Well, there you have it. I think I am officially done tasting/testing fakes. This one did it for me.
A poison-toothed demon doth steathily draw near,
It feeds upon our souls, our flesh, but feasts upon our hate
Its rising tide of torment CLOSE, man's hour draws quite late.
Whence its foul head at last presents upon our shore,
Man's rules and laws shall fall at once, crumble to their core.
The beast from hell, claws tipped with fear
Gaping mouth and fire eyes,
Talk of good, of hope, of love,
Revealed, as if, for lies.
As uplifiting and encouraging as the above stanzas are....they can not hold a flame (nor should ANYONE hold a flame) to the Vanilla flavored "cigars" that rsaavedra was kind enough to send samples of my way.
Pictures exist, but it's really not worth wasting the bandwidth.
I stopped at Carmen's Fine Wines to find a nice bottle for my evening...but they didn't seem to have what I was looking for. I stopped at my Scotch guy's place to see if any special bottle fit the occasion...they did not. So, I went a little out of my way to stop at Ron's Packaged Good's (yes, the apostrophe is incorrect on the sign, too) to pick up the correct libation to match the experience I imagined I was about to have.
A 22oz of Old English in hand, I head home. (Single malt, malt liquor...can't be TOO different, right?)
Open up my bottle...let it breathe a minute...I got a glass out of the cabinet...then rememebred, OE has never, nor should ever, be drank out of a nice glass. Poured a little out for the fallen bretheren, dogs sniffed at it....should have been a clue when the dog won't even lick it up. Wow. This stuff got worse since I was young and thought it was OK to drink it. Oh, dear sweet sizzling Shiva, Jehova, Lord, Buddha, Madonna or....whoever...at this point, I'd sign up for the Cuthulu fan club to save my taste buds....then I remembered...this is but the accompaniment.
The cigar...
The unfortunate appearance. Well, no triple cap, terribly uneven band that looked like it had been sliced by a drunk Mohel with an electric carving knife. The cigars were squishy and soft, but supple....it felt a lot like the sample of "memory foam" they sent me before I ordered my Temper-pedic.
The unfortunate smell. Well, like vanilla and cheap pipe tobacco mixed with Eu de cheap $15 hand-job strippers.
The most unfortunate taste. Well, see above. That was most of what I picked up pre-light. Sickly sweet flavored wrapper. Do they dip these things in above mentioned stripper-flavor then roll it in sugar and chemical vanilla? I can still taste it this morning
The draw….mercifully too tight to get too much of this “flavor” into my mouth. The cigar has the consistency of a Twizzler, without the pleasant flavors. Actually, I am going to light a Twizzler when I am done, just to attempt to transition the night into a less state of suckiness.
I have smoked one or two flavored cigars in my time. They were all terrible. But they tasted roughly like what like I imaigned they were supposed to taste like. I think someone TRIED to make these taste as bad as they could. I just need to know....WHO thought that labeleing cigars as COhiba and Vanilla would make them sell? I mean, this one box sold to rsaavedra's friend, but surely no one else could think this was a good idea, right? Usually, cigar smoke keeps the bugs away. This time, they were physically trying to warn me. "Bzzz....hey mister.....what the Fu-K are you smoking.....bzzzz.....come on, put it out, and we'll honor a truce for the evening.....shit, mang, that thing STINKS." I think I might be mildly hallucinating due to whatever foul "additives" might have been in that "cigar."
I smoked about 3/8 or ½ of an inch, and had to stop. It is really terrible.
It died a death more noble than it deserved. It fell on top of the butts of finer cigars in the stinky. A davidoff, an Opus, and a 1990 ERDM Demi-Tasse or two. These days old, stank, rank nasty cigar butts physically seemed to attempt to slide away from the remains of this foul burning stick of flavored memory foam.
So, I have applied my genuine Wilkey-metricfako-detectorator, and it turns out that this is not a genuine vanilla flavored cohiba. Shocked, I'm sure.
So, I go inside, brush my mouth with some snacks, drink some water with lemon....yuck....the flavor is still there. Did everything I could got most of the flavor out of my mouth.......poured three fingers of Dalmore 21 year, and went back outside.
I lit an Opus Petite Lancero, and within a few puffs, a few sips, my attitude was much improved.
I woke up this morning, and all of my joints hurt. I think there literally might have been poision in that thing. My head hurts, but that might be the couple refiills that went along with the Petite Lancero.
Well, there you have it. I think I am officially done tasting/testing fakes. This one did it for me.
