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Morning Chuckle

gtadroptop

gtadroptop

You can't make this stuff up
Joined
Dec 13, 2007
Messages
2,952
Officer: "When did you realize you had been raped?"

Prostitute: "When the check bounced."
 
Farmer walks into a bar and sees a brown cow and a brown chicken what does he think?






































brown chicken brown cow (say it really fast and you will get it)
 
For those humor-inept people (such as myself apparently), brown chicken brown cow sounds alot like "bow chicka bow wow".
 
Thanks! That was much needed as I seem humor inept as well. I repeated that many times before I read your post and didn't get it :whistling:
 
Weatherman said:
Thanks! That was much needed as I seem humor inept as well. I repeated that many times before I read your post and didn't get it :whistling:
Click to expand...
You're not alone. ???
 
Okay, let's try another one.

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
 
gtadroptop said:
Okay, let's try another one.

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
Click to expand...

:laugh:
 
A routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, he managed to find his own car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started driving slowly down the street.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all.

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station, apparently this equipment is broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
 
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing's wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
 
Tom and his wife Edwina went to the state fair every year, and every year Tom would say, 'Edwina,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Edwina always replied, 'I know Tom, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Edwina and Tom went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Edwina, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Edwina replied, 'Tom that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Tom and Edwina agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Tom and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Tom replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edwina fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
 
sonuvabum said:
Tom and his wife Edwina went to the state fair every year, and every year Tom would say, 'Edwina,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Edwina always replied, 'I know Tom, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Edwina and Tom went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Edwina, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Edwina replied, 'Tom that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Tom and Edwina agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Tom and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Tom replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edwina fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
Click to expand...
:laugh: that's a keeper! :laugh:
 
Weatherman said:
Thanks! That was much needed as I seem humor inept as well. I repeated that many times before I read your post and didn't get it :whistling:
Click to expand...

I didn't get it but I wasn't sure if it went over my head or under my but.
 
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How did you know the cat was dead?", she asked him.

"Becaused I pissed in its ear and it didn't move", answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT!!!", the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!', and it didn't move.
 
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too."
 
gtadroptop said:
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too."
Click to expand...

:sign: :sign: :sign: :sign:
 
My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW, that's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
 
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