Cliff's Notes version: Putrid. Should have been named La Gran Fubar. Avoid at all costs.
*****
The unabridged version--fix yourself a snack, top off your beverage, and buckle up.
Appearance/initial inspection: A large soft spot near the shoulder, a soft segment 3/4" long at the foot, a few veins and places where the edges of the wrapper are peeling--especially at the triple cap. Nothing particularly remarkable in any way. I'm not the greatest at describing appearance at this early stage of my cigar career, so I'll leave it at that.
When I opened up the package from SJM with all of our test subjects, I was confronted with the unusual odor of sausage/cured pork. The La Gran Fubar was the source. While it wasn't as strong as earlier, this was definitely the culprit. The label features a grainy photo/photorealistic picture of a tobacco field. I will later decide that this is featured because Satan himself declined to be pictured on the band.
My first cut with the Xicar was too tight to draw well, so I went a little deeper, and right into the mushy spot. Prelight draw seemed wet (odd, as my humi is at ~63%) with a faint taste of "old and dusty" combined with cocoa powder or hot chocolate mix.
Lit it up at 2:41 this afternoon. Some portions were very easy to ignite, while others appeared to be flame retardant. I finally got it going.
Taste: I got a quick hint of the strange cured pork taste during the preliminary puffs. Was it prosciutto? Pancetta? Capicola? Something along these lines. This was the top of the mountain, taste wise. Shortly thereafter, I picked up a sort of pine-y, turpentine-y taste for a moment or two, but it wasn't as awful as that probably sounds. Later on, I would have gladly welcomed this taste back. A quick burst of prune hit me and disappeared.
There was an increasing something, taste-wise. Not intensity, harshness, or spice, but simply a presence of some sort. The roof of my mouth began to harbor a weird bitter patina-like coating, and the inside of my mouth felt like it was puckering. It occurs to me at this point that if you're the passive-aggressive type, this is the perfect cigar to give to someone you secretly hate.
I haven't even smoked an inch of this thing yet, and it's just plain acrid. Yuck. I'm already certain that this will be the worst stick in the arsenal. As I approach the 1/3 mark, I decide that this isn't a cigar you'd give to someone you secretly hate after all. This is a cigar that you'd give to someone you openly loathe. It's too crummy to be convincing as a passive-aggressive "gift". You might as well punch someone in the balls after presenting them with this.
I'm entering the middle third, and it tastes like autumn. Burning leaves. Putrid, borderline sulfuric smoke. It smells funny. Somehow, and this doesn't even really make sense to me, but it's the taste I imagined so bear with me. You know that terrible "gum" that comes in bubble gum ice cream? Imagine roasting a pile of that gum over an open flame and then chewing it. That's what this cigar tasted like for a minute or two.
I thought the burning gum was the bottom of the barrel, but then I got another distinct flavor profile reminiscent of the time when I was a youngster and my dad spilled some rank smelling pesticide or herbicide in the garage. I began to wonder if I was having some sort of stroke, and all of these strange tastes were merely false perceptions. Luckily, the whatever-icide taste didn't linger for long. Thank heaven for small miracles.
It becomes spitty. This is almost a relief in the sense that while I'm spitting, at least I won't be smoking. I cough. The taste briefly reverts back to the sausage, except now it's the blackened sausage that someone accidentally left on the unattended grill for hours on end. The smoke accidentally goes up my nose and it hurts. More spit.
I enter the final third. It tries to go out, but like a moron, I persevere and stoke it back up. It's coarse and awful and I regret making the effort to save it. I'm almost wretching at this point. There are no longer tastes, just characteristics. Someone put a powerful curse on this tobacco. I'm once again reminded of a time in my childhood when a few friends and I each pilfered spices out of our respective kitchens and met each other under the bridge to smoke the spices rolled up in notebook paper.
I put it down with between 1 and 1.5" of wrapper left, depending on which side of the canoe you look at. I couldn't take it any longer.
I'm smoking the second La Gran Fubar when I'm good and drunk, or else I'm getting good and drunk in preparation for smoking it.
Construction: I am not a cigar chomper by any means, but I do apply some minimum amount of pressure to it. I can tell right out of the gate that the soggy segment is going to be a problem--it's an issue from the start. I couldn't keep it in my mouth without using my hands unless I were to deep-throat it. I have to touch up the flame retardant portion very early on, and a quick graze with my torch seemed to completely vaporize about half of the ash. I'm very curious if the other guinea pigs will experience this too. The remaining ash is funky and sickly looking. I think to myself that the soggy tip is really going to be an issue later on.
It makes weak, wispy, delicate smoke. It's tough to keep it going at times. A T-shaped canoe refuses to burn, and the wrapper is slightly unfurling as well. It starts to require two pulls at a time--one to keep it going, and one to actually puff. I really regret that my camera isn't working, because this thing is comically hideous. As I prepare to ash for the first time, on one side the ash is only 3/4" long, and on the other side it's 1.5" long--to say nothing of the missing (vaporized) portion at the tip.
I ash and am into the middle third. The veins, which didn't really jump out at me too much before lighting, are now clinging to where the ash used to be, like a couple of little burned horns from a boll weevil. It continues to canoe and do the whole "wrapper shrinking and wrinkling from the heat" thing as well. It almost went out. As I mentioned in the taste section, I foolishly breathe life back into it. It's getting really soft and soggy. The ash is a gross brown color. Towards the end of the middle third, the wrapper simply seems to quit burning while the filler continues to smolder inside. I ash and touch it up again.
I'm into the home stretch. As I struggle with the endgame of this loathsome thing, the sog factor kicks in. It begins to extrude tobacco out of the head. A few minutes later and I'm picking bits out of my mouth. It's totally dilapidated when I put it down. It looks nothing like a normal cigar butt should unless it was pitched in a urinal or something.
Out of my misery at 3:49 for a grand total of 1:08.
Grades:
Appearance: 7.0 It sure fooled the hell out of me. I had no idea what I was in for.
Taste: 5.25 This couldn't really be the worst cigar in the world, could it? What are the odds? It earns a .25 based on sheer probability.
Construction: 5.5 It held together far too long.
Total: 5.86 This seems high. This stick should be marketed as a means to quit smoking cigars. Should you find yourself in this situation, don't bother buying a box. Five should do the trick.
Rating: 4
). I can't keep it lit anymore because I really don't want anymore puffs. I put it down in defeat. An hour and 3 Pabst later and I still have the metal taste in mouth. (5.4)