AVB
Jesus of Cool, I'm bad, I'm nationwide
- Joined
- Nov 14, 2003
- Messages
- 23,486
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring not even the soused
The bottles were lined up by the bar with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would share
The cats were zoned laying under the tree
With visions mouses all running free
And Mom in her nighty and I in my shorts
Had just settled in for a long winter snort
When out on the lawn arose such a clatter
I fell out of the chair to see what was the matter
Crawled to the window in a mad dash
And opened the curtains wide in a flash
The streetlights glistened on the new fallen snow
Brightened like mid-day the objects below
When what should my wondering eyes should appear
My Secret Santa with a bottle of cheer
The guy was sloshed and had lost his hat
I knew in a moment it was Coventry Cat
More rapid then eagles his posts they came
He whistled and shouted and called me names
Now Stupid, now Idiot, now Liar and Tool
On Poser, on Slug, on Dummy and Fool
From the top of the porch to the top of the wall
He shouted and farted and peed in the hall
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
When they meet with an obstacle, mount the sky
So up to the house-top while cursing he flew
To the portable bar with beer spigot too!
And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof
Laptop keys clacking as he searched posts for proof
If I had been good and not made him wait
Or had him fix too many spelling mistakes
I drew away and was turning around
Down the chimney the Cat came with a bound
He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot
And his clothes were all stained with vomit and poot
The portable bar he had flung on his back
And he looked so happy when he found a snack!
He dug around the bar and pulled out a drink
Bulleit Frontier Whiskey it said……, I think
Pouring two glasses he passed one to me
Try some of this and tell me what you see
The color in the bottle was a nice amber hue
About the same in the glass and smelled good too!
The nose had some mint and was a bit sweet
A little oak on top as I nosed it neat
The taste had the oak, vanilla and mint you see
But those Frontier Santas are tougher than me
The edges were rough as a young bourbon would
The alcohol burn was more then it should
But I drank some down trying to be nice
When Santa reached over and gave me some ice.
The taste improved and the nose opened up
I had to ask St. Nicholas to refill my cup!
He spoke not a word but went straight to work
Filling my glass to the top; then turned with a jerk
And laying his finger aside of his nose
After giving a nod up the chimney he rose
He fell in the Jag and started to whistle
And away he flew like the down of a thistle
But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight
Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night
Except you ass-hats
Apologies to Clement Clarke Moore for butchering his poem
Many Thanks to CoventryCat86 for allowing his name and address to be used by Lucasbuck who provided the bourbon in his guise as Secret Santa. I love ya Bill :thumbs:
No feelings were hurt as the result of this review.
Bulleit Frontier Whiskey, 750ml, 90 proof, flask style bottle, no other packaging, about $20
Not a creature was stirring not even the soused
The bottles were lined up by the bar with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would share
The cats were zoned laying under the tree
With visions mouses all running free
And Mom in her nighty and I in my shorts
Had just settled in for a long winter snort
When out on the lawn arose such a clatter
I fell out of the chair to see what was the matter
Crawled to the window in a mad dash
And opened the curtains wide in a flash
The streetlights glistened on the new fallen snow
Brightened like mid-day the objects below
When what should my wondering eyes should appear
My Secret Santa with a bottle of cheer
The guy was sloshed and had lost his hat
I knew in a moment it was Coventry Cat
More rapid then eagles his posts they came
He whistled and shouted and called me names
Now Stupid, now Idiot, now Liar and Tool
On Poser, on Slug, on Dummy and Fool
From the top of the porch to the top of the wall
He shouted and farted and peed in the hall
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
When they meet with an obstacle, mount the sky
So up to the house-top while cursing he flew
To the portable bar with beer spigot too!
And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof
Laptop keys clacking as he searched posts for proof
If I had been good and not made him wait
Or had him fix too many spelling mistakes
I drew away and was turning around
Down the chimney the Cat came with a bound
He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot
And his clothes were all stained with vomit and poot
The portable bar he had flung on his back
And he looked so happy when he found a snack!
He dug around the bar and pulled out a drink
Bulleit Frontier Whiskey it said……, I think
Pouring two glasses he passed one to me
Try some of this and tell me what you see
The color in the bottle was a nice amber hue
About the same in the glass and smelled good too!
The nose had some mint and was a bit sweet
A little oak on top as I nosed it neat
The taste had the oak, vanilla and mint you see
But those Frontier Santas are tougher than me
The edges were rough as a young bourbon would
The alcohol burn was more then it should
But I drank some down trying to be nice
When Santa reached over and gave me some ice.
The taste improved and the nose opened up
I had to ask St. Nicholas to refill my cup!
He spoke not a word but went straight to work
Filling my glass to the top; then turned with a jerk
And laying his finger aside of his nose
After giving a nod up the chimney he rose
He fell in the Jag and started to whistle
And away he flew like the down of a thistle
But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight
Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night
Except you ass-hats
Apologies to Clement Clarke Moore for butchering his poem
Many Thanks to CoventryCat86 for allowing his name and address to be used by Lucasbuck who provided the bourbon in his guise as Secret Santa. I love ya Bill :thumbs:
No feelings were hurt as the result of this review.
Bulleit Frontier Whiskey, 750ml, 90 proof, flask style bottle, no other packaging, about $20
Besides, I couldn't get Lucasbuck to fit in the rhyme. 
